pengalaman pertama mengaji

i was once a student... pertama kali blaja ngaji... dengan org yg garang tanpa belas kasihan... bile ngaji... salah satu huruf.. kne rotan berbilai... satu huruf taw... adik aku yg baru nk msuk tadika.. xpernah blaja pape... xtaw pape... abc pon xtaw lagi... pon kene rotan cara yg sama... bile dye bad mood.. kite yg kena...  setiap kali nk pegi ngaji... berderau darah... balik ngaji mesti nangis... mase kecik terima je org buat ape... xfaham kan... dalam hati fikir... mungkin mmg mcm nie belajar ngaji... memang salah kite... tahan je...

lambat datang... kne berdiri... cuti satu hari... xkirelah sbb ape pon... sakit ke ade hal ke... pon kena berdiri... kene jeling2... kene sindir2...  malu nye dengan kawan2 lain.. padahal dye bukan xtaw... kami dtg lmbt start kami pindah rumah... jalan kaki 3 beradik.. dr masjid tu... smpai blakang klinik kerajaan setiap petang... utk pegi ngaji kt rumah dye...  but she refused to listen to any of that... its our fault... kami yg dajal! yup.. she called us dajal... sbb kami cuti ngaji satu hari... and her mom.. just sat there.. not saying anything... as if we deserved everything.. u tell me.. i was seven.. my sister was 5... time dye memaki hamun tu.. kami diam dan nangis... we were kids... what could we have done to deserved that??! Dajal.. thats her word...  i remember everything... i was 7 back then... and i remember everything.. until now...  at 24 i still cried myself to sleep when i think of that... i still do.. sampai skang... kenapa sampai macam tu?? kenapa seorang manusia..boleh jadi kejam sampai macam tu kat budak2? how could u do something like that to us?? to anyone...

if org yg xtaw.. org igt aku besar2 kn cerita.. but believe me.. i wasn't.. u can ask any of my siblings about it..they will tell u the exact same thing... sampai satu tahap.. dah xtahan... mak njang dtg confront dye...and i saw everything... she blamed us for everything... kami yg xpandai baca... baca salah2.. menyusahkan dia.. kami datang lambat... menyusahkan dia..

but u tell me... i came to her.. utk belajar... because i want to learn... sebab kami xtaw.. sebab tu kami belajar... salah sangat ke kalau salah sebut satu huruf.. kau kan cikgu... kau betulkanlah lah kesalahan tu...ajar... bukan hukum!

lepas berhenti.. mak carikkn cikgu ngaji lain.. and remembering her.. (cikgu ngaji baru tu) makes me cried... baiknya dye berbanding yg dulu... setiap hari excited.. tertunggu2.. xsabar nak pergi ngaji.. it was the end of our suffering.. the end of being scared.. and the end of being sad..  kami belajar dengan cik ina.. smpai khatam.. and aku xpernah lupa segalanya... terima kasih cik ina...

now.. i am at her place..  aku ajar anak2  jiran mengaji.. i still cannot relate to what she's done.. i can never think of anything that my students could hv done to make me act like she did.. says what she said... i could never do that to my student or anyone.. i promised myself that i will never do that to anyone.. ever.. i can never put anyone through that...through what we've been through before...

normal lah... budak baru belajar..  mesti ade salah... tersasul..  as a teacher.. betulkan... ajar... thats your job... bukan menghukum tanpa belas..  bukan memaki tanpa fikiran... remember.. semua yg kau buat... ditulis.. ape yg kau buat tu betul.. pahala banyak.. mengajar orang ngaji.. besar pahala... tapi cara kau tu... 

untuk kak su... aku xtaw kau ingat lagi x kat aku.. nada.. ngan kak long... but if kau ingat... just remember this... i remember everything that u hv done to us! aku ingat semua... and dalam hati aku... xde sikit pon maaf untuk kau... even india mabuk yg langgar aku dulu.. smpai aku msok hospital... n sebabkan kaki aku berparut sampai sekarang pon aku maafkan... kalau jumpa.. aku boleh senyum lagi kat dye..  but untuk kau.. xde tu semua.. aku xde ape2 untuk kau... semua yg kau buat pada aku dan adik beradik aku.. aku akan ingat smpai bila2... i will always hate u..   even if its the last thing i'll do...

ku pilih hatimu

ku pilih hatimu tak ada ku ragu
mencintaimu adalah hal yang terindah
dalam hidupku oh sayang
kau detak jantung hatiku

setiap nafasku hembuskan namamu
sumpah mati hati ingin memilihmu
dalam hidupku oh sayang
kau segalanya untukku

janganlah jangan kau sakiti cinta ini
sampai nanti di saat ragaku
sudah tidak bernyawa lagi
dan menutup mata ini untuk yang
terakhir

setiap nafasku (setiap nafasku)
hembuskan namamu (hembuskan
namamu)
sumpah mati (sumpah mati)
hati ingin memilihmu (ku milikmu)
dalam hidupku oh sayang
kau segalanya untukku ooh

janganlah jangan kau sakiti cinta ini
sampai nanti di saat ragaku
sudah tidak bernyawa lagi
dan menutup mata ini untuk yang
terakhir

oh tolonglah jangan kau sakiti hati ini
sampai nanti di saat nafasku
sudah tidak berhembus lagi
karena sungguh cinta ini cinta sampai mati

tolonglah jangan kau sakiti cinta ini
sampai nanti aku tidak bernyawa lagi
dan menutup mata ini untuk yang
terakhir

oh tolonglah jangan kau sakiti hati ini
sampai nanti di saat nafasku
sudah tidak berhembus lagi
karena sungguh cinta ini cinta sampai mati
cinta sampai mati

our 3rd anniversary's stories

hye... its been a while.. i know.. i know.. but i'm still here.. well and alive.. just xrase inspired to write anything down lately..

u know... when u have someone to talk to and have something to discuss/complains... feeling to express... stories to tell...bitch to curse... u talk... its easier than having to typed it down.. now.. when i need to talk.. i just called john.. and just rambled about it until i have it all out of my chest! its easier.. faster .  and much more satisfying... and being a wonderful bf he is.. he'll just listen to me the whole time.. or at least pretend to listen to me while trying not to fall asleep the whole time... hahahaha... xpelah b.. its the thought that counts...

so.. we just celebrated our 3rd anniversary last week.. xsangka.. sedar x sedar.. dah 3 tahun bersama... hehehe... lame dah rupanya... anniversary yg sebenarnye 11nov selasa... but since long distance kan?? we celebrated it on the weekend instead.. and here's how it goes..

mlm jumaat tu.. bincanglah kan.. what to wear... where to go sume kan.. and tetibe plak john request suruh pakai baju kurung that i wore the 1st time we met... hahaaha.. mengenang giteww.. sweet taw.. ape ntah yg dye suke sgt dgn bju tu... xfaham btol... hmmm... sebenarnyakn.. baju tu.. kainnye dah koyak taw.. but since john suke kan bju tu...and anniversary plak tu.. xpelah.. g carik jarum n benang.. jahit jap... nasib  baik syg b nie pndai lah jgak bab jahit2 nie taw... kaw x... mmg fesyen pkai tudung tp kain ku terbelah laa... hahaha.. so.. mlm tu jgak.. jahit pastu gosok n gantung dalam almari siap2 mcm bju skolah dlu.. hahahha..

esknye..malu2 kuchen iolss..  sepanjang jalan okey kne usha... "comelnyee"... "baru balik kenduri ke wak" "nak g kenduri ea?" hahahaha... what to do... iolls comel okay kalau pkai baju kurung.. hikhikhik.. *mata keatas sampai juling... :-p

so... nk smpai mlake tu.. awal2 dah bgtaw john.. tggu kat tempat turun bas tu taw.. kengkonon nak sweet2 kn... turun2 bas je nmpk mke bf... dramatik kan...konon... skali turun je.. heh... nan hado! xde pon.. aku pon jalanlah gile lembab tahap siput sambil memandang kiri n kanan mencari dye.. xde pon... sayu hati... nak mrajok je rase..  dah lah beg berat..  bwk kek besar lagi... sedih taw!!

pastu skali dpt msj... ckp soh pegi toilet.. b kat toilet... sakit perut.. so.. pegilah kite... ke toilet... tggu2.. xkuar2 jgak... dalam hati dah bebel.. ape berak cirit ke pakwe aku nie.. lame btol... mase tu dah berbelah bahagi dah... nak mrajok ke nak kesian... yelah.. kalau sakit perut tu kn.. x tahan nak beri.. memang x igt ape dah... aku faham perasaan itu.. been there.. its not funny at all... hahaha... pastu lme sgt..  aku tinggal lah kek kat luar jap.. aku msok toilet... g touch up make up jap.. wangi2.. pastu kuar... nmpklah john.. tgh jalan laju2.. peluh2.. dye kate dye kat toilet sblh sane.. slah cakap.. pulaaakkk... nasib baik dah x jadi mrajok.. huh..

sampai parking.. asek soh ltak beg kat bonet je... aku pon ok jelah kn.. xkesah... beg pon berat.. tapi fikir2 balik.. kn kite berdua je.. slalu ok je ltak kt back seat... pastu fikir balik..  owh.. mayb dye xnak sepah2 kot.. xpelah..ikot je.. angkat beg sume..  pastu bukak je bonet.. Surprise!!!! sejambak bunga dlam bonet tu... hah.. peranjat kau...i was like.. "biiieeeeyyyyy...  sweetnyeee.... " hahahaha.. xpenah2 dpt seprais cam tu taw... happy gile.. sweet sgt!! senyum smpai ke telinga sebelah lg taw?? hahahha... happy sgt amat terlalu paling happy... faham x?? hahahaha... rupe2nye tadi tu x g toilet pon.. peluh2 sbb ulang alik dr kedai bunga g kat kereta smula setting utk surprise tu.. sweet gile!!! nak gigit2 smpai tulang je rase !! hahaaha... thank you b... 

lpastu g dinner.. gigih kau.. bawak bunga td... hahahaha... poyo ke tidak??? hahaha.. i dont care.. its the best surprise i've ever had... i want to bring it to our anniversary dinner... i know it will perfected it somehow.. and it did.. i'm the happiest girl on the world that night... and we had dinner in our favourite restaurant.. Black Canyon that night.. ordered our favourite food.. and ate our dinner happily... and not to forget makan cake anniversary which i baked myself ok..  and later that night.. we went for a midnight movie where he fell asleep after 20 minutes and i end up watching it alone for the rest 2 and a half hours.... hahaha... mmg slalu mcm tu taw... slalu tdo dlm wyg... but it was a wonderful night regardless..

esknye.. after we had our breakfast together.. we went to alor gajah.. heading to A Famosa Resort.. kitorg pegi waterpark.. mandi2... it was fun.. really fun.. until kitorg jatoh tergolek dalam slide.. hahaha... burok gile ko... ko bygkn ea.. 1st time naik slide ngan bf... kengkonon nak cecomel takut2 smbil jerit2 pegang tangan ngan bf.. skali sparoh jalan..dua2 jatoh tergolek... hahahhahha... ko bayangkan??? u know what? jangan bayangkan.. maluuuu... hahhahhaha.. sbnrnye kan.. i thinks its my fault taw.. sbb mse kat atas tu..  bdak yg jage tu dah cakap.. yg ringan depan.. yg berat blakang.. aku konfiden je soh john dok blakang.. kengkonon aku ringan dr dye... skali... hah.. tu dapat makan dye..  hahaha... bengang skjap... hahahaha... sory b... tp xpe.. pengalaman tu sume.. nanti dah tue.. bole cite kat cucu k b.. dlu atuk ngan nenek cool gile... naik slide jatoh tergolek mase bercinta pon steady je... padahal... hahaha...

but thank god nothing happened after that.. and believed it or not.. kitorg baik lagi slide.. tp yg lain lah..  yg reramai... it was fun.. scary as hell... but fun lah.. smpai bawah.. rase nak muntah.. kaki gigil.. x boleh gerak... scary!! hahaha... but all and all.. it was a very day well spent with him... we had so much fun.. it was a wonderful way to celebrate our anniversary together... thank you b.. bawak syg g sana... best sangat2...
i love u...

and lastly.. to my one and only ahmad faris syahmi... thanks for everthing... thanks for loving me.. accepting me.. and for always being there for me.. thank you b... terima kasih sbb sabar.. n slalu sokong syg... tolong syg.. i felt blessed everytime i thinks of us.. thank you god.. for letting me have him in my life... happy 3rd anniversary sayang.. i love u.. always have.. and always will...

love,
sayang..  

dear babies...

dear babies... kakak selalu panggil sume baby je... sbb semua nama yg kakak bg.. sme mcm x cukup cute.. kakak rase.. nnti kalau panggil nama.. mcm xmanja... kakak takut baby rase kakak dah x sayang... which is xmungkin... sbb kakak syg semua..so.. sume yg sebaya.. kakak panggil baby... huhuhu...

baby putih... kdg2 kak pggil dak besar.. sbb mak ade beranak lagi satu baby newborn yg sebijik mcm baby.. so.. baby jd dak besar.. adik jd dak kecik... and baby pon syg sgt kat adik.. slalu main2 ngan adik... pandai jage.. n jilat2 bersihkan adik... kakak bangge sangat... baby.. mase baby kecikkn.. baby sorg2 kat luar.. bunyi2.. bising2.. xtawlah siape yg sampai hati tinggalkan baby sorg2 mcm tu.. and seramai2 org kat sini.. xdew sorg pon yg bukak pintu,ambil n jage baby... kakak mintak maaf.. sbb amek mase lame utk amek dan jage baby...kakak mintak maaf biarkan baby duduk sorg2 kat luar malam2.. kadang2.. kakak jenguk baby.. tapi susah.. sbb baby takot org.. bile kakak bukak pintu.. baby lari.. so.. kakak letak bekas makanan n air dekat depan pintu.. lpas tu rapatkan pintu.. tgk baby makan.. dalam hati kakak fikir... jahatnye org yg tinggalkan baby... n jahatnye org yg xnk jage baby... tapi xpew.. kakak akn jage baby... kdg2.. bile mlm kakak fikir... apelah perasaan baby tinggal sorg2 kat luar malam2... mesti baby takutkan... gelap.. sejuk..lapar lagi...kakak mintak maaf baby... sebab lambat ambil baby... tapi lepas beberapa hari.. baby dah semakin biase dgn org... baby dah x takot lg... baby pandai msok rumah... main dgn abg2 n kakak yg lain... mase tu baby kurus sgt... tapi nasib baik mse tu maknye ade susu lagi... bile abg n kakak susu.. baby pun tumpang skali... huhuhuhu...kakak suka sgt... sbb baby dpt susu mak... n baby pon da start mkn n tido kat umah... kakak syg baby.. syg sgt2... dan lame2.. baby pon makin gemuk... makin besar.. dah nak dekat same besar dgn abg n kakak.. baby kelakar sgt... sbb baby paling cergas.. paling nakal... pandai syg adik! baby manje.. kakak syg baby... syg sgt2!!

baby itam... tp kdg2 kakak panggil anak dare... huhuhu... sbb baby sorg je yg betina... yg lain sume jantan..  huhuhuhu... baby.. mase lahir sebenarnye.. baby ade 3 org siblings.. tapi satu yg putih.. sakit.. dye pegi mase kecik lg.. kakak sedih... tapi baby masih ade... tinggal baby itam.. dgn baby oren... mase baby kecik dulu... kakak msukkn baby dlm kandang.. sebab baby berak sepah2... sehari.. 3-4 kali kakak bersihkan kandang.. sbb asek berry je baby kakak nie taw... n baby ngan abg jugak slalu kena mandi.. sbb berry sepah2.. slalu kena dekat bulu.. so.. dengan gigih kakak mandikan.. walaupun habis kaki tangan kena cakar.. kakak xkesah... sbb kakak syg .. kakak nk baby biar bersih.. n wangi... tp baby x suke kn.. kakak taw..  huhuhuhu... baby.. mase kecik kan.. baby sakit mata.. abg pon sakit.. tapi abg baik..  baby xbaik2 jugak... kakak cuba jage sebaik mungkin.. n last2... baby survive jugak.. walaupun dengan sebelah mate je.. itulah yg buat kakak lebih syg taw.. baby special sgt.. kakak syg... slalukan.. kakak fikir.. mcm mane baby dah besar nnti.. mcm mane baby nk hidup satu mate je.. mcm mane kalau kucing lain xsuke baby.. kakak risau.. kakak rase bersalah sbb x dpt bawak baby pegi vet.. kakak mintak maaf.. tp kakak nak baby tau.. kakak syg.. kakak syg sgt... n last2.. it turned out ok.. baby pon sihat je.. cergas... nakal... manje jugak.. paling kakak syg.. baby pandai  berry dlm bilik air.. jadi kakak tinggal jirus je.. thank you baby... kakak syg... huhuhuhu.. 

tapi semalam.. baby putih.. n baby itam.. tinggalkan kakak.. mula2 baby putih..  esoknye baby itam pulak..  baby taw tak berape sedihnye kakak.. mak pon panggil2 je.. bising carik baby sane sini.. mane nie x balik2.. setiap kali kakak teringat baby.. kakak nangis..  kakak nangis.. sbb kakak tak tahan..  kakak rindu.. kakak syg... baby ade tersalah makan.. kakak taw.. tapi kakak x pasti ape.. kakak xtaw nak buat ape.. kakak cube jage baby sehabis baik.. tapi baby pergi jugak... kakak sedih.. kakak mintak maaf.. sbb x dpt bagi yg terbaik utk baby... kakak cume harap.. baby x sakit   x menderita mase baby pegi...

baby... kakak nak mintak maaf.. segala salah silap kakak sepanjang hayat baby... kakak terkasar... tersalah cakap... xdpt bg mkn sedap2... kakak mintak maaf... kakak cuba bagi ape yg termampu... kak nada pon same.. time gaji... dptlah baby mkn sdap2.. time x... mkn nasik dengan ikan bilis je... kakak mintak maaf baby... kakak harap sgt sepanjang baby hidup.. baby happy... gembira.. dan x terseksa hidup dengan kakak... kakak jage baby dengan sebaik mampu kakak... kakak syg baby dengan sepenuh hati kakak... kakak betul2 syg...

baby.. baby jgn takut taw.. allah akan jage baby... baby jgn risau... syurga memang utk baby... kakak taw.. baby nnti akan seronok dgn allah..  itulah sebaik2 tempat utk baby.... baby enjoy k kat sne... tunggu kakak.... i love u baby... kakak syg... baby jgn lupe kakak taw... nnti kite jumpe k? baby tunggu kakak ye? janji taw.... i love u baby... thank you for the love and joys that u had brought us... kakak akan sentiasa igt baby k? i'll miss u baby... u'll always in my heart... kakak syg baby sgt2!!

Thank You Ahmad faris syahmi...

He’s not perfect. You aren’t
either, and the two of you
will never be perfect. But if
he can make you laugh at
least once, causes you to
think twice, and if he admits
to being human and making
mistakes, hold onto him and
give him the most you can.
He isn’t going to quote
poetry, he’s not thinking
about you every moment, but
he will give you a part of him
that he knows you could
break. Don’t hurt him, don’t
change him, and don’t expect
for more than he can give.
Don’t analyze. Smile when he
makes you happy, yell when
he makes you mad, and miss
him when he’s not there.
Love hard when there is love
to be had. Because perfect
guys don’t exist, but there’s
always one guy that is
perfect for you.
-Bob Marley

thank you b... for the best birthday celebration i've ever had since years..  i love u syg... i appreciate everything that u have done for me... thank you... for taking a good care of me... for loving me... and for accepting me the way i am....i promise to love you every moment..forever... with all my heart... with everything that i have... and with everything that i am... thank you b... for your love...  i love u....

love,
sayang...

alone.. birthday.. and possibilities..

being around people doesnt always means that you r not alone... in a way.. i'm always alone.. i came across a phrase once.. while reading twilight... bella had said that she was the "suffer in silence" kind of girl... after a few hard years of life.. i begin to understand that.. i can relate to that... keeping an anger pent up with no one to scream at.. keeping an endless amount of sadness with no shoulder to cry on... being in a deep dark hole... alone... with no one to turn to.. no one to ask for help.. no one to care.. and no one to tell...

i have friends.. two of them who i love the most... the one that takes all the tears away... numb all the pain... even for a while... it helps... but they're not always here... they're out there.. living and chasing after their dreams... while i'm burried with mine... but... i'm happy for them... i prayed for their success.. happiness.. and health... dear friends.. i love you...

i know that deep deep down.. they're also very curious with what the hell am i doing with my life... why i stayed... but it is very thoughtful and nice of them for not asking the questions which i'm not in a position to answer... that's why i love them... but fear not ladies.. i'll tell you all about it when the time comes.. if it comes... but until then... you guys just have to bear with me okay?

i'll be turning 23 tomorrow... another birthdays... marks another year of failures... another year of lost hopes... another year of dissapointment.. and another year closer to death...

there are times... when i think about death... and it doesn't seems so bad... its the end... the end of my suffering.. the end of my endless tears.. and the end of my pain... but it also means that i would be saying goodbye to my family... my love.. and my friends..  goodbye to the world.. goodbye to all my dreams.. and ambition.. and goodbye to all possibilities...

possibilities... that is the one thing that makes me pull together every piece of myself that i have left.. and get up from the bed every morning... possibilities that today... might be a better day... that today.. might be the day it all change... that today... might be the day i can be who i want... do what i want.. and chase after what i want... possibilities..

one day... i would be happy.. i would be successfull and i would no longer be in pain... sadness.. and dissapointment.. it will all pass... one day... one fine day...

happy birthday, me...

once upon a weekend... part-3

ok.. part3... mlm ke 2 john dkat sini tu.. die tdo umah kwn poli dye dulu... so... pagi tu.. isnin kn... kwn dye pegi keje pagi.. dye hntar john kat larkin skali... so.. dah kate shepahkan.... dramatik itu penting.... mestilah nak sweet2... muehehehe... kengkonon nk hantar naik bas... pastu babai2 kat tingkap sambil mengesat air mata perpisahan... isk...isk...isk... (T_T)"  hahahaha... ngeng!

so...dengan gigih.. bangon  pagi... pegi larkin..jumpe buah hati... as usual... lambat lagi... aku xtawlah.. dari mane dtg kesabaran john slalu tggu aku dtg lambat... aku sedar taw aku selalu lambat... but cemane aku plan pon... aku tetap lambat! xtawlah cemane... hmmm... cube kalau john lambat... peh.. merajok mcm bimbo... heh...

so... bile aku sampai larkin tu...perot aku mentel... mengade.. time kat umah ko xnk berry... da smpai sini baru nak mengade2...  dah la da lambat... huh... so.. aku cecepatlah jumpe john... tinggal barang sume... pastu nk g toilet... bile dah smpai kat tempat toilet tu pulak... peh... memang hazabedah btol... toilet tu tgh renovate... and toilet sementare pulak... nauzubillah... mcm projek kh aku time form1... open gile... serious... pintu die... mcm anytime boleh roboh... tutup pon mcm x... boleh nmpk org kat luar weyh... naseb aku dah xtahan... so aku redha jelah... so.. aku bukaklah pintu pertama tu.. skali aku aku bukak... ade org dlm tu...!!! hahaha.. aku yg menjerit... asal xkunci pintu!! terperanjat nyonya tu... nasib baiklah dye dah abes buat urusan kat dlm tu... tgh flush je... hahaha.... abg jage toilet tu gelak kan aku bole?? hahaha...  aku da bengang gile.... tros cepat2 tutup pintu n ckp sory... tros terbantut rase nak terbery aku... dan dengan muke yg panas... aku tros blah dr situ... hahaha...

lpas kejadian ngeri tu... aku cecepat ajak john pegi swimming pool dkt area larkin tu... berenang sekejap sementara tunggu masa naik bas..  cewahhh.. berenang konon... bajet abes... hahaha... padahal berendam adelah... kitorang manelah pandai berenang...poyo je lbeyh... hahaha... sbb mase tu awal lagi.. so x ramai org kat situ.. cme ade 2-3 org apek je yg tgh berenang.. steady je apek tu.. pakai spender je... hahaha... john marah aku sbb asek pandang2 dorg je... hahaha... apelah... itu pon nak marah... aku bukan pandang ape... cuma mengagumi kehebatan dorg berenang dan confiden level dorg yg tinggi sbb mampu pkai spender je berenang dekat kolam awam... hahaha... steady lah apek!! muahahahaha....

so... dah tgh hr tu.. kitorg balik semule ke larkin... lunch... and ptg tu... dlm kol 2.30...john naik bas... dan bermulalah scene babai2 kat tepi tingkap sambil menitiskan air mata perpisahan... hahaha... gurau jelah... aku xlah dramatik camtu... malu je org tgk... xkanlah aku nak babai kat tingkap sambil nangis mcm tu... mane de... aku cme babai n nangis kat pintu bas je... (0_o)" muahahahahha... ok.bye!

love..
sharifahatiqaawesome