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Wednesday, April 30, 2014

alone.. birthday.. and possibilities..

being around people doesnt always means that you r not alone... in a way.. i'm always alone.. i came across a phrase once.. while reading twilight... bella had said that she was the "suffer in silence" kind of girl... after a few hard years of life.. i begin to understand that.. i can relate to that... keeping an anger pent up with no one to scream at.. keeping an endless amount of sadness with no shoulder to cry on... being in a deep dark hole... alone... with no one to turn to.. no one to ask for help.. no one to care.. and no one to tell...

i have friends.. two of them who i love the most... the one that takes all the tears away... numb all the pain... even for a while... it helps... but they're not always here... they're out there.. living and chasing after their dreams... while i'm burried with mine... but... i'm happy for them... i prayed for their success.. happiness.. and health... dear friends.. i love you...

i know that deep deep down.. they're also very curious with what the hell am i doing with my life... why i stayed... but it is very thoughtful and nice of them for not asking the questions which i'm not in a position to answer... that's why i love them... but fear not ladies.. i'll tell you all about it when the time comes.. if it comes... but until then... you guys just have to bear with me okay?

i'll be turning 23 tomorrow... another birthdays... marks another year of failures... another year of lost hopes... another year of dissapointment.. and another year closer to death...

there are times... when i think about death... and it doesn't seems so bad... its the end... the end of my suffering.. the end of my endless tears.. and the end of my pain... but it also means that i would be saying goodbye to my family... my love.. and my friends..  goodbye to the world.. goodbye to all my dreams.. and ambition.. and goodbye to all possibilities...

possibilities... that is the one thing that makes me pull together every piece of myself that i have left.. and get up from the bed every morning... possibilities that today... might be a better day... that today.. might be the day it all change... that today... might be the day i can be who i want... do what i want.. and chase after what i want... possibilities..

one day... i would be happy.. i would be successfull and i would no longer be in pain... sadness.. and dissapointment.. it will all pass... one day... one fine day...

happy birthday, me...

Friday, April 11, 2014

once upon a weekend... part-3

ok.. part3... mlm ke 2 john dkat sini tu.. die tdo umah kwn poli dye dulu... so... pagi tu.. isnin kn... kwn dye pegi keje pagi.. dye hntar john kat larkin skali... so.. dah kate shepahkan.... dramatik itu penting.... mestilah nak sweet2... muehehehe... kengkonon nk hantar naik bas... pastu babai2 kat tingkap sambil mengesat air mata perpisahan... isk...isk...isk... (T_T)"  hahahaha... ngeng!

so...dengan gigih.. bangon  pagi... pegi larkin..jumpe buah hati... as usual... lambat lagi... aku xtawlah.. dari mane dtg kesabaran john slalu tggu aku dtg lambat... aku sedar taw aku selalu lambat... but cemane aku plan pon... aku tetap lambat! xtawlah cemane... hmmm... cube kalau john lambat... peh.. merajok mcm bimbo... heh...

so... bile aku sampai larkin tu...perot aku mentel... mengade.. time kat umah ko xnk berry... da smpai sini baru nak mengade2...  dah la da lambat... huh... so.. aku cecepatlah jumpe john... tinggal barang sume... pastu nk g toilet... bile dah smpai kat tempat toilet tu pulak... peh... memang hazabedah btol... toilet tu tgh renovate... and toilet sementare pulak... nauzubillah... mcm projek kh aku time form1... open gile... serious... pintu die... mcm anytime boleh roboh... tutup pon mcm x... boleh nmpk org kat luar weyh... naseb aku dah xtahan... so aku redha jelah... so.. aku bukaklah pintu pertama tu.. skali aku aku bukak... ade org dlm tu...!!! hahaha.. aku yg menjerit... asal xkunci pintu!! terperanjat nyonya tu... nasib baiklah dye dah abes buat urusan kat dlm tu... tgh flush je... hahaha.... abg jage toilet tu gelak kan aku bole?? hahaha...  aku da bengang gile.... tros cepat2 tutup pintu n ckp sory... tros terbantut rase nak terbery aku... dan dengan muke yg panas... aku tros blah dr situ... hahaha...

lpas kejadian ngeri tu... aku cecepat ajak john pegi swimming pool dkt area larkin tu... berenang sekejap sementara tunggu masa naik bas..  cewahhh.. berenang konon... bajet abes... hahaha... padahal berendam adelah... kitorang manelah pandai berenang...poyo je lbeyh... hahaha... sbb mase tu awal lagi.. so x ramai org kat situ.. cme ade 2-3 org apek je yg tgh berenang.. steady je apek tu.. pakai spender je... hahaha... john marah aku sbb asek pandang2 dorg je... hahaha... apelah... itu pon nak marah... aku bukan pandang ape... cuma mengagumi kehebatan dorg berenang dan confiden level dorg yg tinggi sbb mampu pkai spender je berenang dekat kolam awam... hahaha... steady lah apek!! muahahahaha....

so... dah tgh hr tu.. kitorg balik semule ke larkin... lunch... and ptg tu... dlm kol 2.30...john naik bas... dan bermulalah scene babai2 kat tepi tingkap sambil menitiskan air mata perpisahan... hahaha... gurau jelah... aku xlah dramatik camtu... malu je org tgk... xkanlah aku nak babai kat tingkap sambil nangis mcm tu... mane de... aku cme babai n nangis kat pintu bas je... (0_o)" muahahahahha... ok.bye!

love..
sharifahatiqaawesome

birth and day..

i will be turning 23 in less than a month from now... huh... another birthday...meh... in my family.. birthday is not much of a celebration anyway.. my mom never bothered and my dad doesn't even remembered... not even once...and to be honest.. i've grown tired of expecting anything for my birthday..  because all i got was  dissapointment all the way around... and this year... i'm not really looking forward to it... i don't feel like celebrating... i don't feel excited... i don't feel happy... i don't like birthdays... my own especially...

my age and longevity is surely something to be grateful for... but my accomplishment is not... i felt stuck... matter of fact, i still am stuck... each and every year... on the day of my birth... i sat alone... thinking... ok... what have i accomplished this year... and yet... so far... dissapointment... one after another...

i spend the day hating and blaming everyone... myself included... hating them for not caring... blaming them for making me pay for their stupid mistakes... frustrated with myself for unable to make them listen... make them care... make them clean up after their mess... felt like i was being punished for something i didn't do..

but... if i could wish for one thing for my birthday... i would wish for just one chance.. one chance to make our life better... make my life better... to move on... get on with life... and never look back... never look back on those failures... sadness.. and dissapointment.... just one chance to make things work... one chance to change everything... just one chance...it's all i want...

love...
sharifahatiqanotsoawesome
(T_T)"