alone.. birthday.. and possibilities..

being around people doesnt always means that you r not alone... in a way.. i'm always alone.. i came across a phrase once.. while reading twilight... bella had said that she was the "suffer in silence" kind of girl... after a few hard years of life.. i begin to understand that.. i can relate to that... keeping an anger pent up with no one to scream at.. keeping an endless amount of sadness with no shoulder to cry on... being in a deep dark hole... alone... with no one to turn to.. no one to ask for help.. no one to care.. and no one to tell...

i have friends.. two of them who i love the most... the one that takes all the tears away... numb all the pain... even for a while... it helps... but they're not always here... they're out there.. living and chasing after their dreams... while i'm burried with mine... but... i'm happy for them... i prayed for their success.. happiness.. and health... dear friends.. i love you...

i know that deep deep down.. they're also very curious with what the hell am i doing with my life... why i stayed... but it is very thoughtful and nice of them for not asking the questions which i'm not in a position to answer... that's why i love them... but fear not ladies.. i'll tell you all about it when the time comes.. if it comes... but until then... you guys just have to bear with me okay?

i'll be turning 23 tomorrow... another birthdays... marks another year of failures... another year of lost hopes... another year of dissapointment.. and another year closer to death...

there are times... when i think about death... and it doesn't seems so bad... its the end... the end of my suffering.. the end of my endless tears.. and the end of my pain... but it also means that i would be saying goodbye to my family... my love.. and my friends..  goodbye to the world.. goodbye to all my dreams.. and ambition.. and goodbye to all possibilities...

possibilities... that is the one thing that makes me pull together every piece of myself that i have left.. and get up from the bed every morning... possibilities that today... might be a better day... that today.. might be the day it all change... that today... might be the day i can be who i want... do what i want.. and chase after what i want... possibilities..

one day... i would be happy.. i would be successfull and i would no longer be in pain... sadness.. and dissapointment.. it will all pass... one day... one fine day...

happy birthday, me...